


Games Dwarfers Play

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Established Relationship, Gratuitous Smut, M/M, Married Rimsy and Listy, Series XI/XII
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 06:50:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16424459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: The same old board games can get a bit boring when you’re floating around in deep space.  Sometimes the guys just have to go shopping to keep things fresh and interesting.





	Games Dwarfers Play

**Author's Note:**

> I’m trying my hand at a bit of smut. It may be decent. It may also be complete smeg. ;-)

After thirty or so years in deep space, there wasn’t a whole lot of novel entertainment to be found, even on a ship five miles long. The Dwarfers all had their own hobbies, but new games they could all play together were few and far between. Weekly poker nights had been a staple for years, of course, and were treated as sacred. Other games, though, had either long since become boring, or tended to cause squabbling among the members of the odd little makeshift family. Running across a derelict with a well-stocked game and hobby shop was thus cause for a minor celebration. While Kryten inventoried food supplies and Cat went clothes shopping, Rimmer and Lister poked around the shop, looking for something new and interesting.

“Look here, Listy. It’s the Titanium Anniversary Edition of Mineopoly.” Rimmer examined the box critically. “They also have Risk: World War VIII.” Rimmer was unbeatable at Risk and Mineopoly as long as Lister didn’t cheat or sabotage the games. Naturally, Lister loved cheating and sabotage, just to get a rise out of the hologram. One particularly memorable game of Risk had ended rather badly when Lister tossed a throw pillow onto the middle of the board while yelling, “METEOR STRIKE!” An outraged Rimmer went after him with a six-foot-long section of pipe wrenched off a corridor wall, threatening to insert it in Lister. Sideways. That game was spoken of only in whispers, and never where Rimmer could hear. 

Lister was skeptical. “How different can they be, Arn?”

“The Mineopoly game has newly redesigned tokens, and I only have Risk through WWVII.”

“Well, take ‘em, then, if they’ll make you happy. Hmm - how about Cluedo? That can be a lot of fun. Whatever happened to our last one, anyway?”

“Don’t you remember? Cat swiped the board because he thought it would look nice on his wall, and then dumped the whole smegging game out of the airlock when he got bored with it.”

“Oh, right,” Lister chuckled. “You told him that the next version would have Mr. Cat murdered by the hologram in the docking bay in Blue Midget.”

“No, I said it would be the hologram in the docking bay *with* Blue Midget. Significant difference.”

Lister snorted with laughter. “We’ll take this one and keep it away from him. He doesn’t have the attention span for it anyway. What about chess?”

Rimmer shuddered slightly. “Forever ruined for me by Holly and his bloody Queeg jape. I see a chess piece, and all I can think of is being forced to run laps in the corridors even after I’d passed out.”

“I see your point. You were smegging gorgeous in those tight shorts and shirt, though, all flushed and sweaty.” Lister leered suggestively at his partner. 

Rimmer blushed. “Later, you oversexed little gimboid,” he said affectionately. “As I said, no chess.”

“Checkers?”

“We have five sets already.”

“Snakes and Ladders?”

“Three sets, and one children’s Chutes and Ladders version which may be more your speed, Listy.”

“Smeg off, man. What about Cards Against Humanity?” 

“The Mimas extension packs? I’ve heard they’re disgusting.”

“So, get them, then?”

“Of course!”

Lister smirked as he added the packs to his bag. “You’re just lookin’ for suggestions and new ideas. Kinky sod.”

Rimmer nodded in assent. “No argument here.”

They continued leisurely browsing the shelves, occasionally adding to their haul. While searching for a new copy of Scrabble (Cat had “lost” most of the old game’s tiles, leaving only letters for what he claimed were Cat words), Lister noticed a little alcove curtained off from the main shop. “Look at this, Rimmer. I wonder what’s back here.” He poked his head through the curtains, and couldn’t suppress a snicker. “It’s the adult section! You’ve gotta see this, man!”

Rimmer joined him in the tiny room, and gaped in awe at the dozens of sex-themed board games crammed onto the cramped shelves. “Smegging hell, Lister. Look at all of these!”

Lister started gleefully rummaging through the boxes. “Can’t say these are boring,” he chirped. He picked up a vaguely familiar-looking black box. “XXXopoly? Let’s have a look!” Flipping the box over, he read the description aloud to Rimmer. “Listen to this. ‘Roll the dice and proceed to a sexual space. Each sexual space has a sexual act. Acts range from foreplay fun to hardcore intercourse. Whenever your partner lands on a sexual space you own, they perform that specific sexual act on you. You can either perform the sexual act, or pay a fine to get out of it.’”

They stared at one another for a moment

“Listy, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“That there’s no smegging way in hell we’re playing this with Cat or Kryten?”

“No, you goit - well, yes - I mean, not with them, of course, but with each other - oh, sod it! Just grab the damn game!”

Lister pulled his partner into a hug, and purred in his ear, “Actually, darlin’, I’m thinking we should try before we buy. Y’know, see if this was worth the dollar-pounds they were askin’ for it.” He kissed the hologram’s throat, and was rewarded by a soft, needy whine and the press of Rimmer’s rapidly growing erection against him. Nibbling Rimmer’s earlobe, Lister breathed, “I take it that you’re with me here, then?” 

In reply, Rimmer kissed him deeply, then lifted him bodily and carried him out to the main shop floor. He sat Lister on the high sales counter, pushing him gently down onto his back with one hand while deftly unfastening his leathers with the other. Rimmer then claimed Lister’s lips in another heated kiss as he gently freed his partner’s straining erection from his boxers, curled the long fingers of one strong hand firmly around it, and began to stroke him. Panting against the hologram’s mouth, Lister quickly lost himself in the pleasure of Rimmer’s expert ministrations. 

Rimmer kissed Lister once more, then pushed his shirt up, leaned down and flicked his tongue with a feather-light touch just underneath the head of his cock. Rimmer chuckled softly at Lister’s whimper, then lightly licked the tip of his erection, eliciting a strained, “oh, smeg smeg smeg” from his partner. He swirled his tongue along Lister’s shaft and around the head, pressing one hand down on his abdomen to prevent him from lifting his hips off the counter, and gently fondling his balls with the other. Finally, unable to withstand the teasing, light touches anymore, Lister hissed, “Bloody buggering hell, you smeghead, just suck it already!” 

Rimmer stopped, stood up, and, grinning devilishly at his partner, asked, “What was that, Listy?”

“Fuck, man, just suck me bleedin’ cock, ya smegger!” 

Rimmer bent down again and hovered his mouth just over Lister’s erection, cooing, “Is this what you want, Listy?”

“RIMMER!”

The hologram laughed, and, after a quick kiss on the tip, engulfed Lister’s full length in his mouth, sucking him down deeply and strongly. Lister climaxed almost instantly, tangling his fingers in Rimmer’s curls. Finally spent, the Scouser mindlessly stroked his partner’s hair as he struggled to regain his breath, while Rimmer rested his head on his belly and amused himself with gently patting his softening cock.

“Sirs? Are you in here? Oh, my aching diodes - SIRS!” Kryten clomped through the shop’s door, and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Mr. Lister lounging half-naked on the sales counter while Mr. Rimmer playfully licked his stomach. “Must you do this everywhere?”

“Yes,” they replied in unison.

“I’ll have to erase this from my memory when we get back home! You act like sex-crazed adolescents! Now, pull yourselves together - we’ll be leaving soon!” Sputtering, the mech stomped out, ranting about ridiculous humans with no sense of propriety or self-control.

“C’mon, love, before Cat shows up and bitches about the stink of monkey sex.” With Rimmer’s assistance, Lister sat up and hopped down off the counter. As he was adjusting his leathers, he paused and looked at Rimmer. “Wait, man - what about you? I can’t just leave you hangin’ like this.”

Rimmer grinned. “Not an issue, Listy. We still have to try out that game. Might I suggest the table in the midsection of Starbug on the way home?” 

“You filthy-minded bugger. No wonder I love you.”

It’s said that, in space, no one can hear you scream. However, in Starbug, everyone can hear a horrified Cat’s yowl.

**Author's Note:**

> XXXopoly is an actual game. I borrowed (stole) the description from a site selling it. I wonder if Rimmer is as good at that as he is at Mineopoly.


End file.
